We all know the scene from "Wayne's World" – the infamous "No Stairway" moment that spawned a thousand memes (and we hit on that in our original article). But let's be honest: guitar store employees wish they could post similar signs for about two dozen other riffs.
These are the riffs that haunt their dreams, the sequences of notes that make them question their career choices, and the sonic equivalents of someone telling the same joke for the millionth time.
If you're planning to test drive some axes at your local guitar shop, consider this your field guide to avoiding the looks of quiet desperation from the staff.
And if you absolutely must play these riffs (we get it, they're classics for a reason), at least do them justice.
1. "Smoke on the Water" – Deep Purple
Ah yes, the "Chapter One" of every guitarist's journey. This riff has been played so many times that scientists believe its tab notation is now encoded in human DNA.
Most newbies play it with their newly-won power chords, turning Ritchie Blackmore's laughably-simple masterpiece into the musical equivalent of eating a fine steak with a spork – while hammering those chords with the intensity of someone trying to drive nails through concrete.
To be fair, it's irresistible, but at least have the decency to play it on a Fender Stratocaster, like Richie did!
2. "Sweet Child O' Mine" – Guns N' Roses
The moment those first notes ring out, every employee in the store starts an internal countdown. Three... two... one... and... yep, they stopped at the end of the intro.
Watching players attempt Slash's circular picking pattern with rigid up-and-down strokes produces something that sounds less like a rock classic and more like a nervous metronome having an existential crisis.
This one isn't particularly easy. But it's worth nailing only on a proper Gibson Les Paul, like Slash!
3. "Seven Nation Army" – The White Stripes
Obvious-if-Fun fact: This isn't even a guitar riff – it's Jack White playing bass notes through an octave pedal. That hasn't stopped approximately 47 million guitarists from attempting it daily on the lowest strings they can find.
Getting the tone right is like trying to recreate a Gordon Ramsay dish using only a microwave and spite. Leave this one to the bassists.
4. "Enter Sandman" – Metallica
The unofficial anthem of "I just discovered palm muting, and by god, I'm going to use it." Usually accompanied by a facial expression suggesting the player is either constipated or trying to solve complex differential equations in their head.
The worst part isn't even the riff – it's the blissfully-rare moment when the riffer tries to recreate Kirk Hammett's wah-wah solo with a bone-dry signal.
Bone-dry is where leads go to die.
5. "Back in Black" – AC/DC
The rhythmic subtleties of this riff are like a game of "Operation" – one slight twitch and the whole thing falls apart. Yet somehow, players manage to transform Malcolm Young's precise swagger into something that sounds like a washing machine falling down stairs.
To be fair, the "upward" low-A and E string reset riff is the toughest to nail. What's truly impressive is how many people can make three power chords sound like they're being played in four different time signatures simultaneously.
6. "Eruption" – Van Halen
Nothing says "I believe in myself" quite like attempting Eddie Van Halen's masterpiece on a starter Squier through a 15-watt practice amp. It's the guitar equivalent of trying to recreate the Sistine Chapel with crayons and determination.
Believe us, it's not all in the hands.
You can actually watch the employee's soul leave their body when someone starts two-hand tapping without checking if the amp's gain is set to "thermonuclear."
7. "Iron Man" – Black Sabbath
This riff has become the "Mary Had a Little Lamb" of metal – everyone knows it, but somehow people still manage to play it wrong. The most common version sounds like Tony Iommi performing underwater while wearing oven mitts.
Store employees have developed a Pavlovian response to finish the riff themselves, just to end their suffering.
8. "One" – Metallica
The clean intro is like a siren song, luring unsuspecting players into a false sense of security before the machine-gun riffs expose their hubris. Those who attempt both the intro and solo in-store are either incredibly brave or haven't developed the part of the brain responsible for shame.
The time between a player starting the intro and an employee reaching for their Wellbutrin can be measured in milliseconds.
9. "Crazy Train" – Ozzy Osbourne
Randy Rhoads' opening salvo has become the guitar store equivalent of a first date conversation starter – everyone uses it, few do it quite right. The look of confidence gradually melting into confusion by bar two is a sight that never gets old.
You haven't lived until you've heard someone try to make those pinch harmonics work on an acoustic guitar. Still, on any axe, it's a KILLUR riff buddy.
10. "Master of Puppets" – Metallica
James Hetfield's right hand is insured for more money than most people's houses, yet players still think they can replicate his downpicking prowess after three weeks of practice.
The result usually sounds like someone desperately trying to scratch an itch they can't reach. You can spot these ambitious souls by their rapidly deteriorating picking hand form and the quiet whimper that follows the first verse.
The Art of Not Being "That Guy"
Look, we get it. These riffs are classics because they're awesome. They're the reason many of us picked up a guitar in the first place. But maybe – just maybe – the guitar store floor isn't the best place to debut your interpretation of these well-worn classics.
Want to test a guitar without causing collective PTSD among the staff? Try something original. Wait, strike that.
But if you must play a known song, pick something slightly less obvious. The employees might even look up from their phones if you bust out some deep cuts from Television, Big Star, or early Rush.
And remember: every guitar store employee was once that kid playing "Smoke on the Water" with power chords. They're not judging you (okay, maybe a little), they're just having flashbacks to their own humble beginnings.